Mixed Emotions

For some reason, I am feeling very irritated. I don't know why. And I don't even know if irritated is the right emotion. Antsy? Expectant? Angry? Depressed? Unmotivated? Disappointed? Lonely? Complacent? Mad? Tired? Exhausted? Bored?

I know there are tons of reasons for me to be hopeful and happy, but there are also a lot of reasons (or rather, excuses) for me to be afraid and sad.

It's kind of weird when you find yourself in these moods - you don't know exactly how you got there, but yet you struggle to find the way to lift yourself out of the rut. And all it takes is one little push, and things could be different. But I wonder if we avoid the solution in favor of dwelling on the confusion of the mixed emotions.

I think I do. I think the confusion sometimes makes life seem more real. Or rather, it makes me feel more real. As if by the mere existence of confusion, the agent of change to turn chaos into order will be that more exciting.

And the agent of change will surely come. It has to come. I know it will.