Please Answer Me

When I ask you a question, please answer me

When I say I am struggling, please encourage me

When I say I am scared, please reassure me

When I say I am lonely, please comfort me

When I say I am freaking out, please try to calm me

When I say I am happy, please share my joy with me

When I ask you a question, please answer me

Reaching

I lie awake at night
Eyes open and thoughts incoherent

I turn off the lights
Pull the blanket close and sigh

I roll to the side
Wonder how and when and why

I reach out my hand
Imagine that someone takes hold

I wrap my fingers closed
Feel the warmth of a phantom embrace

I close my eyes tight
Pray that my empty hand is not in vain

I lie awake at night
Reaching for something that may never come

Mixed Emotions

For some reason, I am feeling very irritated. I don't know why. And I don't even know if irritated is the right emotion. Antsy? Expectant? Angry? Depressed? Unmotivated? Disappointed? Lonely? Complacent? Mad? Tired? Exhausted? Bored?

I know there are tons of reasons for me to be hopeful and happy, but there are also a lot of reasons (or rather, excuses) for me to be afraid and sad.

It's kind of weird when you find yourself in these moods - you don't know exactly how you got there, but yet you struggle to find the way to lift yourself out of the rut. And all it takes is one little push, and things could be different. But I wonder if we avoid the solution in favor of dwelling on the confusion of the mixed emotions.

I think I do. I think the confusion sometimes makes life seem more real. Or rather, it makes me feel more real. As if by the mere existence of confusion, the agent of change to turn chaos into order will be that more exciting.

And the agent of change will surely come. It has to come. I know it will.

Wants and Needs

I want fireworks and magic
I want flowers and attention
I want late night kisses and just because visits
I want a diamond ring and a down-on-one-knee conversation

But with all my wants and wishes
The simple truth is

All I need is you
I could leave it all behind, watch it all burn
I know that I'll be fine, I know I'll make it through
Because all I need is you

I want a big house and a white picket fence
I want a porch swing and a tall oak tree
I want a perfect family and a supermodel body
I want a dream wedding and a Hollywood ending

But with all my wants and wishes
The simple truth is

All I need is you
I could leave it all behind, watch it all burn
I know that I'll be fine, I know I'll make it through
Because all I need

I may want the sun and the moon,

but all I need are the stars in your eyes
I may want the world, but all I need is your hand in mine
You know your love is enough for me
I don't know if I can give you what you want
But tell me, baby, what is it you need?

Because all I need is you
I could leave it all behind, watch it all burn
I know that I'll be fine, I know I'll make it through
Because all I need is you

Wonder Why

I remove the box from off the shelf
Clear the dust from a life forgot
Reminders of a happier time
Wonder why I thought of you today

It's been eight months, three weeks and four days
The details are fading
But I still remember your face
Wonder why I thought of you today

It's not like I'm still longing
It's not like I'm still waiting
It's not like I'm still hoping you'll walk through my door

It's not like I'm still crying
It's not like I'm still screaming
It's not like I'm still fighting with the ghosts you left behind

I wonder why I thought of you today
Because it's not like I'm still in love with you

The Break-Up

Go ahead and keep breaking my heart

Just keep on destroying my world

Go on and say we were wrong

I'm writing it all down...it'll be good material for my next song

Unseen

I feel unseen eyes watching me
I sense unseen hands reaching out to me
I hear unseen lips whisper "I love you"
And I know an unseen someone is waiting for me

The Strong One

Dear Mom:

I'm sorry that we don't talk like we used to. Life is not as simple as it was just those short years ago. There is a lot more confusion and uncertainty and I don't know what to say to you. I don't know how to tell you that I am slowly dying inside - all of my fears and insecurities are slowly suffocating any chance of happiness I thought I might feel. I don't know how to explain that I have no idea what I am doing with my life and the thought of making the wrong decision terrifies me. I'm sorry that I seem distant and disinterested. I just can't muster enough emotion to pretend that everything is okay. You can probably here it in my voice; I know my "I'm fine"-s don't work on you anymore. I don't know how to admit that I am failing and am in desperate need of someone to tell me what to do. I can't show weakness because I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the normal one. I'm supposed to be the one you don't worry about. I'm supposed to know what to say and what to do to make things right. But the truth is, I have not known what to say and what to do for a really long time. So instead of actually telling you how I'm feeling, I don't say anything at all. I'm sorry that I am too proud and afraid to tell this to you personally. I hope you understand - I'm supposed to be the strong one.

Love, Me

Truly Alone

I am constantly surrounded -

By people
By sounds
By sights
By thoughts
By ideas
By dreams
By fears

- And yet, I am truly alone.

My Next Lifetime

I've spent a lifetime being angry at the world
Another lifetime regretting every decision I ever made

I have second-guessed every emotion, doubted every action
Wondered if anything was really real

I've spent a lifetime wanting to be someone else
Another lifetime trying to make it so

I have changed my every feature, twisted every truth
Wondered if this is how they wanted me to be

I refuse to waste another lifetime feeling this way
I refuse to give up on the possibility of what could be

I will use this next lifetime to make something of myself
I will use this next lifetime to actually live for me

The Exchange

You stare at me without saying a word
But your silence speaks volumes and I know how you do

If I could bottle that up and carry it with me
I would have a never-ending supply of fears

But I know you're not selling and I'm definitley not buying
We've tried to make this exchange before

I will not be here the next time you need someone
Good luck trading your tears on your own

Falling

If I am falling, I don't want you to catch me
I have my own reasons for stepping off the ledge

If I am burning, I don't want you to save me
I have my own reasons for playing with fire

If I am falling, please don't help me

I have my own reasons for being this way

If you want to be my savior, then fall with me