Fear

I have this fear.

Fear that it will never happen.

Fear that if it happens, it will just be ordinary.

Fear that there will be no magic, no spark.

Fear that it will not be special.

Fear of indifference and vanilla-flavored memories.

Fear that important details will go unnoticed.

Fear that no one will be excited.

Fear that I expect too much.

Fear that I will only be disappointed in the end.

Fear of being lost and forgotten.

So I guess I have a lot of fears.

Not fair

It just doesn't seem fair. The emotional burden is not fairly balanced between both parties. And what is almost always the case, the one party is completely unaware, most likely oblivious, to the suffering of the other.

Why does it seem that we are built this way? Why do these things effect us so much more deeply than it does the other person? Why is intense sadness almost always followed by extreme anger?

I don't understand any of it. All I know is that it doesn't seem fair. Not fair at all.

Waiting, part II

I am once again waiting. Waiting for something to happen.

And it's killing me because this time I know that it will not happen.

Unless by some miracle the fates decide to align and grant me this one wish, this particular thing will most likely not happen.

Because why would it happen? Why would it happen to me? Why would this particular situation be any different than the other situations?

And yet, I wait. And I feel I grow more and more pathetic each day I sit here and wait and dream and imagine.

I hate waiting.

Not This, But That

Not this, but that

I wish I could take it back

I didn’t mean to end it this way

Not this, but that

The way it used to be

When we were both happy

Not this, but that

Remember when we were in love?

Remember when you used to care?

Not this cold, angry distance

But that warm, loving closeness

Can we go back to that?

Not this, but that

I said I would leave

I didn’t really mean it

Not this, but that

You said you would leave

You didn’t really mean it…right?

Not this, but that

Remember when we were in love?

Remember when you used to care?

Not this cold, angry distance

But that warm, loving closeness

Can we go back to that?

Not this, but that

Loneliness doesn’t suit you

And I’m not taking to it either

Not this, but that

Why don’t you come back?

We can make this right

Not this, but that

Remember when we were in love?

Remember when you used to care?

Not this cold, angry distance

But that warm, loving closeness

Can we go back to that?

Waiting

In recent years I have realized that I have no patience. I hate waiting. I hate anticipation. And I especially hate waiting when I have no guarantee that the something I am waiting for is actually going to happen. I get anxious. I get distracted. I am too easily lost in my own thoughts and fears.

I'm waiting for something to happen right now. And there is no guarantee that it will actually come. But I am waiting nonetheless. Hoping that it will come, that it will happen. Hoping that all of my waiting and anxious emotions are not in vain. Imagining how it will all play out if it does happen. Trying not to think how I'll feel if it doesn't happen.

But I guess I should be used to the disappointment by now. Well-acquainted with the emotions that come in that exact moment when I realize that all of my waiting and anticipation and hoping and imagining was a waste of time, energy and mental anguish.

And yet, I still wait. I still anticipate and imagine and hope. Because someday something will happen. So I wait.

I hate waiting.

Just Like This

The moon is bright
It's a perfect night
I feel a rush
Every time we touch

You're on bended knee
I'm finding it hard to breathe
As the tears make their way down my face
You take my hand and we start to sway

In your blue suede shoes or my cold bare feet
At a black tie event or in an empty street
To a full-band set or the only song you sing
This is my one request, just promise me one thing
That you'll dance with me just like this - and I'll say yes

You're on bended knee
I'm finding it hard to breathe
As the tears make their way down my face
You take my hand and we start to sway

Holding me tight
I want this to come out right
I whisper in your ear
Now listen closely my dear

Through whatever happens, both the good and the bad
Happy or sad, and especially when we're mad
Believe me when I say I don't even need a ring
This is my one request, just promise me one thing
That you'll dance with me just like this - and I'll say yes

Sleeping With Lions

You left me all alone
And now in this bed all alone
I have space to breathe and time to think
Think of all that went wrong
All that once was and will never be

It's like sleeping with lions
Dreams become nightmares when I close my eyes
And I'm fighting off the ghosts you left behind
It's like sleeping with lions without you here by my side

I try so hard to stay awake
But heavy eyes win the fight
The weight of our mistakes drags me under
I'm scared of what I'll remember
Scared of what I'll regret

It's like sleeping with lions
Dreams become nightmares when I close my eyes
And I'm fighting off the ghosts you left behind
It's like sleeping with lions without you here

I wrestle with my conscience and so much more
Hoping that you'll come back through that door
Remembering the time you said those words to me
These raging lions make it hard to beathe

You kept the monsters at bay
Always said the words I needed you to say
I fill my days with what could have been
And at night I'm fighting a fight I can never win

It's like sleeping with lions
Dreams become nightmares when I close my eyes
And I'm fighting off the ghosts you left behind
It's like sleeping with lions without you here by my side